Buried in the Sand

Anais on the brain

"We have a right to select our vision of the world. In my life this choice has been deliberately present. This is the choice of the lover determined to love. If you are determined to hate, then you select obsessionally what is hateful around you, in people, in yourself."--Anais Nin

I know what you're thinking, but this is not a quote from the inspirations that wait dutifully in my inbox every morning. I have a sick love for Anais Nin, especially her journals. I feel related to her, connected to her. Like she's ripping thoughts out of my brain so they appear before me on the pages.

Right now, four of her books have taken up temporary residence on my boyfriend's computer desk. Cities of the Interior, Collages, The Diary of Anais Nin Volume One 1931-1934, and The Journals of Anais Nin Volume Six 1955-1966. Little Birds lives in my armoire.

Today I was reading Volume Six and I realized that although it's taken me a few short years to read through these volumes, she wrote them over a thirty-some-odd year period. Volume Six chronicles her making intense progress in "analysis" and finally letting go of her neurosis. She was 52 at the beginning of Vol. 6. No offense meant to the lovely Anais Nin, but I hope I start to let go of my neurosis before then. I am 23 and have been worried for quite some time. About everything in general. The world at large. Whether my boyfriend thinks I'm pretty still. What I look like to everyone around me. And my biggest struggle of late has been to learn to let things go and just exist. So as I read the words, "To sum up an extraordinary change caused by analysis. A month without depressions, anxieties or nervousness. I feel installed in the present. I give myself to it. I no longer feel angers, walls, hostilities in relation to the world. My criticalness has lessened. I enjoy what comes. I am not nervous beforehand. I am gay and free. The fears have decreased, the fears of being unable to earn a living, the fears of losing love. There is less rebellion, more smoothness and lightness in living. There is an ability to throw off anxiety. There is no bitterness, no friction...Having fewer conflicts I get less tired and accomplish more. I can do housework half a day, write half a day and still go out at night. Lightness and a feeling of strength. It all consolidated this month. It is true I may die without seeing Bali but then I have other things to make up for that. I can make one human being happy. I am close to one human being and closer than before to others. My genuine gentleness is coming back...It took me a lifetime to learn that happiness is in quiet things, not the peaks of ecstasy. I am grateful for what I have. I feel reintegrated into the human family...I have overcome the neurosis at last."(pg 8, The Journals of Anais Nin Volume 6 1955-1966) I felt as is I might really have a shot at life. I just quit my job and decided to go back to school and become a barista at a coffee shop around the corner. I think I'm crazy. But, I also think I will be happier moving in the direction of higher education even if it means more menial work for a few years. I am often so worried and anxious that I forget to enjoy the moment in which I am living. But not anymore. "Tsk. tsk." Anais seems to say. My literary hero showed me today that if you can do it at 52 ..you can do it at 23.

posted by Buried @ 6:23 PM